I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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