my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You are a genius and a whore.
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