Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
