you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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