She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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