mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize