you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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