I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
