If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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