I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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