at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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