loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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