update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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