Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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