I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
