I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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