I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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