That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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