I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
accomplished twins. life is a go
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
