Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
