My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize