I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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