I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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