In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
