like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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