Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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