I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
