You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
