if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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