We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
