Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
