I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
