We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
