cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Sorry about my life...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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