R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
