I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
