He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
