i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
