dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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