My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
a search helicopter?!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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