Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Pooping to opera.
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