I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
