Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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