O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
