The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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