How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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