Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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