i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
