The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
