I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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