What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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