I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
