Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
17 year olds will be the death of me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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