btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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