he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
