Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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